Sunday Thought By Kunal Roy

I could have saved her: An Apology

A Tuesday morning. The cold was still lingering. My mother and I woke up quite early in the morning. She, after completing her morning chores, chatted with me over cups of hot, brewing tea. She talked at length over different issues surrounding us. A little later she left for the kitchen, arranged the utensils and prepared the breakfast. Little did we know what the inscrutable fate had in store for us. Within a fraction of a second, she developed a chest pain and was complaining about it time and again. I made her sit on her chair. But the pain grew unbearable with the passage of time and spread over her jaws. There was also a bit of dizziness! I tried to contact the doctor, but he was on his way to workstation. I called up my elder sister. She turned up with her husband a little after. However, we thought it to be an acid reflux issue. Liquid Gelusil was given to her, but it was of no use. Almost an hour passed with no effective step taken to combat the situation. The car arrived. My mother went inside the car with one hand pressed on her chest. My elder sister, her husband and I were there to witness the much-awaited appalling event! The car ran at a dizzy speed. But as fate would behold, something terrible happened with her. She breathed her last on my sister’s lap. We rushed her to the doctor, and he declared her dead. We brought her back in a lifeless posture. I cried bitterly. I wanted her back in my life as she was a little ago! I could not believe the actions of God. How could He afford to be so cruel and oppressive! The foundation of my aplomb was shaken. I could not forgive myself. I thought again and again, I could have saved her life if she was taken to the surgeon on time. It was perhaps our neglect and misunderstanding of the whole situation which had made me count a heavy cost! We did not even try to comprehend her ailment, though adequate time was given to us by the Lord. She passed away, leaving behind countless memories on the sands of time.

It was in the late afternoon she was taken to the crematorium ground. The final rituals were performed. I got back home in silence. Grief mounted unabatedly. A sense of void crept into with an intense slow pace. An unbearable anguish torn apart my heart and soul. Ten years ago, I lost my father and ten years later I lost my mother. I am hung between their memories. The articles used by them haunt me every now and then. I accuse myself for all that happened with me over the years. No more their rebuke nor their love or adoration is there to make me feel secure. Every moment I feel their absence. I cannot put up with this trauma. I question to the Lord on my deeds and actions. Did any flaw of mine fetch this punishment to me? Did I mete out any injustice to others? Does death result in freedom of such kind? Such poignant questions make me perplexed even at this very hour when I have nothing else to lose!

Today I am alone. Everyone has left me. The doors are locked. The windows are bolted. The memories swim to enhance my anguish which I cannot share with anyone. A dejected soul, I have become. I am pretty sure that years will follow, but the fountain of sorrow is going to be eternal all through. I never wanted to lose her in this way. It was our utter ignorance which prepared this path of perennial separation. The dawn breaks and melts into the afternoon. And as I return home in the evening, I pray to the Lord above to shorten my life span and help me meet my mother in the Garden of Paradise to savour the delight of her company, something I terribly miss now!!